I was so scared
So scared of smiling, feeling loved, enjoying myself
So scared of seeing the sparks of life
The little lines on my friends faces when they laugh
The warmth from each hug
The comforting scent of your safe persons laundry detergent
The frenzied wags and gentle licks of my furry friend
I was so scared of missing it all
I’d rather skip the joys of life than to hold it for a fraction of a second
I was so scared of love
I’d rather die alone than have a funeral filled with loved ones that feel a loss
It’s so cursed that I visualised my funeral so many times
I cried thinking my father would bury me before walking me down an aisle
Or that my different circles wouldn’t mingle over a celebration
That I had a flower picked out for this event
And when the doctor announced the end wasn’t near
I started to cry
The world seems so big and bright
It feels so stupid that I shrank myself to a pretty cage
And now
I don’t know how to breathe without the weight
How to make a joke without thinking it’ll be my last
How to take every step without counting down
How to wake up without dreading spending my final days like this
I can’t wait
To hold my friends
To make mistakes again
To live a life so full it feels beautiful when it ends