Blog

I was so scared

So scared of smiling, feeling loved, enjoying myself 

So scared of seeing the sparks of life

The little lines on my friends faces when they laugh

The warmth from each hug

The comforting scent of your safe persons laundry detergent 

The frenzied wags and gentle licks of my furry friend

I was so scared of missing it all 

I’d rather skip the joys of life than to hold it for a fraction of a second 

I was so scared of love

I’d rather die alone than have a funeral filled with loved ones that feel a loss

It’s so cursed that I visualised my funeral so many times

I cried thinking my father would bury me before walking me down an aisle

Or that my different circles wouldn’t mingle over a celebration 

That I had a flower picked out for this event

And when the doctor announced the end wasn’t near

I started to cry

The world seems so big and bright 

It feels so stupid that I shrank myself to a pretty cage

And now

I don’t know how to breathe without the weight

How to make a joke without thinking it’ll be my last

How to take every step without counting down

How to wake up without dreading spending my final days like this

I can’t wait

To hold my friends

To make mistakes again

To live a life so full it feels beautiful when it ends

Have you ever stolen your dad’s hammer? I have. For very private reasons.

Every night, I spent 20 to 30 minutes hammering my calves. I would measure them first, then hammer away. Gentle force in the beginning . Thug, thug. Thug – my calves against a towel. It still hurt — so I would tense my calves for half an hour while they were tending to the bruises I had given them the night before.

I started giving myself bruises from being too impatient. How were my legs still the same size after weeks of this? And why did my upper arm start growing? Was it because I used my right arm to do most of the hammering?

I went to school to confront the girl who had sworn by her life that this method worked.

“This should solve your manly-leg issue! You need to hammer your legs more often so people won’t think you’re stronger than the male first division footie athletes! Look at my legs! I only need to hammer them for 15 minutes and they’re shaped like Seohyun from Girls Generation!”

This blew my mind at 14. And so I started Googling ways to shrink my legs.

Apparently, clinics could inject Botox directly into the muscle to kill it off. I was so excited. A couple of injections could melt my insecurities just like that. I tested the waters with my mother, secretly hoping she would tell me high school kids worry about nothing.

“It’s okay Crystal, we have options! We can save up and do a liposuction trip to Korea when you turn 18! You can also get a nose job before university. This is perfect!”

Then I looked in the mirror.

Suddenly it was not just my legs that made me want to disappear into a hole shaped like a grave. My face was not enough. I was too fat, so liposuction was needed. I was raised to understand that every part of my body was meant to be enhanced with a hammer, a needle, a knife, or other power tools. They use a mini chainsaw for jawline enhancements, right?

I touched my legs like it was the last time I would touch them. And I swung the hammer.

No. I didn’t crush my own legs.

I crushed my soul.

The fat on my legs would not go away unless a doctor used a vacuum to extract the fatty tissue. My entire body leaned toward the meaty type. My face was acceptable, if only I fixed my nose. My underarms were too dark. My arms were too big after two months of hammer swinging. My waist was too big, even when it measured 22 inches.

The list was listless.

And worst of all, I lost my father’s hammer.

I suspect a school friend took it when she came over — so she could start her own leg-slimming journey. I hope she found what she was looking for. I hope she put the hammer down sooner than I did.

I always hold mixed emotions when I look at a man.

I have learnt so much from men
I have also learnt to fear them

Men who could be such great friends,
and such shit husbands

Men who helped me when I was a child,
but did not hesitate to jump at the opportunity
once I became a woman in their eyes

Men who could speak words so unkind,
yet fight for your safety
when it counted

Public speaking
Writing
Powerlifting

I learnt a lot from men

I can’t live without them,
even knowing how unkind they can be

And still,
it warms my heart to know decent men walk this earth

Men who do not look at women as invitations.
Men who see us first as people
Men who make the world feel less like something
to survive

I used to move through the world with open hands

I hugged people hello
Ruffled hair. Pinched friends when they were anxious. Put my hands on their thighs to let them know

Hey, I’m here for you

I see you, I feel you, I won’t leave you

And they smile back

I loved feeling warmth exuding from men,

Platonically

Until a boy kissed me

And I learnt, wrongly,
to blame my own warmth.

Because he thought:

“She asked for it.”

So I changed my ways.

I held my hands tightly together
as I resisted hugs.

I clenched.
I flinched.

When old friends tried to give me
the love I once gave them.

“You used to be different.”

“Maybe I’ve just grown older,” I say.

And wearier.

How I broke open the door to the staircase

How I ran my way down while he chased after me, spewing words so toxic they would rot my brain.

“Not the time to cry, Crystal. You have to run.”

How I thought

“This is the end of me”

Getting under a man who I thought was my friend

Getting pushed off the stairs by the guy I threw a party for, to help him get over his breakup

Getting killed by a man I grew up with.

I stumbled, fell, and crawled

But I made my way to the ground floor

And wailed like a lunatic

When I heard the sirens coming from afar

When the police came

I couldn’t even string words into a sentence

“Give me a statement” “I can’t open a file unless you tell me what happened” “Oh god another night, another drunk girl” “Your friend said you have a mental disorder and drank too much. He said you drink all the time but this is the first time you took off your clothes and started running and screaming and ended up on the pavement topless.” “Your friend sad we should get you on an ambulance since you couldn’t even tell us your name.”

How cruel.

For him to use my history, betray my trust and still dared to call himself

My friend.

I gave my statement the next day

And I won’t forget the cold stare of the inspector

“You would’ve slept with him if he was a bit more good-looking right?”

No. I have a boyfriend.

“Could it be you drank a little too much and gave the poor man wrong signals?”

No. I said no.

“How much do you think he weighed?”

Probably 100kg.

“You know, he could’ve just done it. So why didn’t he just get his way?”

I pushed him off.

I pushed him off.

I pushed him off.

I pushed him off me before he could get in me.

I said no.

He wanted to grab me and I ran off topless.

He was a liar and I would have never consented to this.

I could not give consent in this condition anyway.

“I’m being real with you. This is he-said-she-said, this won’t hold up in court. You should just go home and rest.”

All the bruises.

All the pictures you have taken.

All of the cameras on the street.

He-said-she-said.

“You will need to repeat everything in court, it will hurt a lot. Maybe you should reconsider taking this path.”

No. Open a file, or I wont leave.

I need to see a file number.

So they opened a file.

For two years, they called.

“He is not in Hong Kong.”

“We can’t do anything.”

“Think the CCTV in San Po Kong stopped working that night, we couldn’t get the footage.”

“It’s been two years, maybe we can close the file? When are you free, I’ll drive to you to get the paperwork done.”

But how my hands shook

When a real friend told me he is back in this city

Was the warrant a lie?

How my hands shook

When I called the police and told them to find him

Please.

Find him.

They found him.

“Sorry, we got a team to arrest him. But he won’t admit anything. He must be a dodgy guy to run off after the case. Though I must say the case will not hold up in court at all since we can’t do much after two years.”

So that was it.

I should’ve let him.

So there would be part of him for them to collect.

I didn’t cry while my heart break into a million pieces.

They closed the file.

And he left the city again.